Natalie & Lexi

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” -Audre Lorde

When I started writing this post, it was through the lens of a cheerful narrative about family, kindness and loving others.  If I purely went that route, it would have been acceptable, but not holistically respectful of the highs and lows of these lives, and this story. After meeting  Natalie and Lexi, I knew it was important to also share the heartache of not having your family accepted, the grief surrounding infertility, and that even though some relationships aren’t linear, they are still worth fighting for. 

In the past 6 months (years, decades) womxn, and those who identify with the LGBTQ+ community are facing a regression in safety for themselves and, their families.  

I recognize that when talking about politics and policies I run the risk of making people upset, and uncomfortable.  Something that I want to address first and foremost before moving forward is this:  discomfort is not bad.  Feeling uncomfortable is an indicator that there is something we need to pay attention to, respect and understand.  When we avoid a subject because it is uncomfortable, we let the fear of it control us, which can often lead to hate and discrimination of others. 

Instead, let’s challenge the judgment, and channel it into educating ourselves so that, even if we don’t agree with each other, we can have love and respect purely because of the common denominator of being human.

Let me introduce you to Joy.

Joy was the one who nominated Natalie and Lexi to be a part of my project. After learning more about their story, I knew I had to meet them.

Joy, along with her husband Joshua, are parents to three sweet children.

A year and a half ago, they began the heavy journey of multiple brain surgeries and hospital stays as they navigated the terrifying complexities of their middle child, Xenia’s, health battle. One of the many qualities I have appreciated about this couple is their ability to be transparent about pain and fear, but also the hope that can be found in even the smallest of moments. It can be hard to balance fear and hope, but having the ability to hold both realities at the same time can give small pocket’s of relief, in the midst of a terrifying reality.

Joy and Natalie met where most people do these days, on the internet.  They were both a part of a local parent facebook group, which was where Joy posted a question to the parents about scar care after her daughter's brain surgery.

Natalie shared that one of their good friends lost their 3 ½ year old daughter to a brain tumor, and immediately she felt an empathetic connection to Joy and her family.

Although Xenia is diagnosed with Chiari Malformation (along with hydrocephalus, laryngomalacia, and a connective tissue disorder), the experience and impact felt similar.

“Easy or not, that isn't the point. We had/have the time, energy, and love to give and wanted to help where we could. This goes for all of our friendships/acquaintances, if we are able to help and there is a need we want to be there for people. This is our idea of community concentrating not on "if I help you, you'll help me" but more on a collective effort to survive life.”

-Lexi

After chatting further, these two realized that they lived only a couple blocks away from each other. Natalie, Lexi and Calliope brought dinner over to the Berwald family, and so their “in person” friendship began. From organizing GoFundMe’s, to mowing the Berwald’s lawn, Natalie and Lexi showed up for this family. Their daughter, Calliope, is close in age with Joy’s oldest, Kelilah, which has resulted in many playdates and sleepovers. This has been so helpful on many accounts, but especially when Xenia has needed to be rushed to the hospital on short notice. COVID added a whole new layer, and these two families decided to “bubble” together. As we are all aware, when we choose a “pod”, that means isolation from others. If this isn’t a “chosen family”, I don’t know what is.

When I first reached out to this amazing family and asked if they would be open to being a part of my project, their response was consistent with all the other Kindness Project folks I’ve had the opportunity to connect with: “We don't feel all that deserving knowing that there are plenty of people who give of themselves all the time, but we are so excited to be part of this project!” - Natalie

The term “chosen family” was first used by Joy in her nomination letter when asked to describe how she knew this sweet couple.   After spending the afternoon with Natalie, Lexi and Calliope, I realized that having a “chosen family” was going to be a common theme throughout our conversations together. 

As I grow older, I have become more and more interested in the concept of “family”.  It might seem like a straightforward idea, but there's so much more to it than being purely biological.  Over the years I have had the opportunity to meet a lot of people, listen to many stories, and can confidently say that “family” is a feeling of safety and unconditional love vs. a genetic, born-into connection.

*full disclosure: I love my family! Born-into, and chosen :)

Natalie and Lexi both grew up in religious homes, which was an experience I could also relate to. There is so much that I value about growing up in a family where god and faith were central. On the flip-side, there was damage and self-hatred that I will be challenging and working to understand for my forceable future.

I want to take this moment to reflect back to what I wrote earlier, because I recognize some people might be feeling uncomfortable: “Feeling uncomfortable is an indicator that there is something we need to pay attention to, respect and understand.”. This is also a reminder for me when it comes to having respect and understanding for folks who have adverse reactions to healthy relationships that look different than theirs. 

Lexi and Natalie came out to their families in 2007 but it wasn’t an easy road.

They experienced judgment and ultimatums, and felt their own shame of a deep-rooted belief that they were doing something “wrong” by loving each other. This dynamic has kept so many in a purgatory of knowing who you are, but unable to be who you are and it was true for Natalie and Lexi.

During the tumultuous experience of navigating how this (very real) love was going to look moving forward, Lexi ended up breaking it off with Natalie.  The two of them moved forward to date/become engaged to other people, but the uniqueness of their connection to each other brought them back.

Not only did this happen once, but it happened a second time.  Their breakups weren't a reflection of a relationship that was “wrong” but more so a relationship that was uniquely beautiful, and needed both parties to be in a space to trust that, no matter what. The love they experienced together was worth any fear or hardship that would come their way.

When their relationship reached a point that they accepted that their commitment to each other was something that deserved to be respected and public, they told their families. The reaction was not a surprise, but it was still an impact fully painful.

To this day, they have struggled with some members accepting that Lexi, Natalie and Calliope are a viable family.

Since I am not a parent (although, I do try to convince my mom that my two Great Dane’s count as grandchildren...), I wanted to learn more about how Lexi and Natalie choose to talk with Calliope when it comes to the pain, judgment and hate that exists in our world:

“I feel like I cannot really give advice because I don't think we've figured it out at all. I hope that she is learning by our example. We've always taken the approach that we'd just strap her to our backs and she'd come with us wherever we go. We both have helping jobs so we talk about those to her and when she doesn't want to go to preschool, we tell her often that mommy and mama help people at our jobs and the way she helps people is going to preschool, learning, and being a good friend.

We also try to be really intentional about books that we read, emphasizing books that praise kindness, especially books that tackle tough topics such as racism, ableism, etc.

A lot of our approach focuses on conversations we have, either in response to something she's experienced or seen, or figuring out how to talk to her about some of the difficult things happening in our world right now, like being open with her about George Floyd's death, why it happened, what it meant, and why we have to be anti-racists in all we do to fight injustices.” -Natalie

Another source of pain and trial has been creating a family of their own through giving birth to children. So many straight couples/individuals take for granted that they can “accidentally” get pregnant. For many two mom families, the process of having children is complicated, and incredibly expensive. Natalie and Lexi were able to bring their beautiful daughter, Calliope, into the world in 2016.

Over the past 4 years they have been trying for baby #2, and have experienced the painful loss of a miscarriage and unexplained infertility. The reality of how intentional the process of conceiving is for this couple, brings the grief of loss to a whole different level. It was humbling to learn from their vulnerability in sharing this experience with me, and the ways they have used their loss to care for and connect with others who are grieving.  

Experiencing grief, pain and loss is uncomfortable, but I truly believe that sinking into discomfort with the openness to feel, learn and respect it allows us to empathize and care for others in ways we wouldn’t have the ability to without it.  

Be brave, lean into discomfort, and allow yourself to feel grief and hope at the same time.

“I think about showing kindness similar to how I think about anti-racism and equity work. There is so much work to do. Racism, injustice, and lack of kindness are so deeply intrenched and can be seen everywhere. While that can be overwhelming, the good news is that there are so many opportunities, both big and small to show kindness, to fight injustice, and to advocate for anti-racism and equity. The trick is not to let the enormity of the problem incapacitate you from action.” -Natalie